Link: The Faces of Evil for NES?!?!

I was at a flea market looking for rare video games, especially ones that were unreleased and/or haunted, and I found an NES cartridge that had no official label, just a slapdash handwritten one proclaiming it "ZELDA 1½: BAD HEADZ". It was three dollars and I didn't really feel like paying that much for a game that probably wasn't even haunted so I offered to give the vendor a massage instead. He said he'd have to talk to his wife about it first and while he was discussing it with her I walked off with the game.

I popped it into the NES when I got home then Uncle Shmooaag said it was time for dinner so I went downstairs and ate a meal of chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes. Then I got sleepy and went to sleep. I forgot about the game the next day but the day after that I remembered it and booted it up. I took some pictures so you'd believe me.

It looks like this is a version of Link: The Faces of Evil, but for the NES? That doesn't make sense! I don't understand! Nonetheless, pictures don't lie.

I was really curious about what the gameplay would be like after the opening cutscene, especially how well it would stack up to the CD-i version, but I guess maybe this version was never finished because so far the game always crashes after I pick somewhere on the map.

I'm gonna keep trying, though. I realize this may seem Farfetch'd, so here's a picture of the dinner I ate to prove I'm not making this up.

Spoiler

But what's REALLY weird is that Uncle Shmooaag has been dead for twelve years. Spooky!

This is why you should never post under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.

My mind is intrigued, yet concerned. Still, go on with this...

This post was the last recorded statement of NAvery before his death.

His roommate found him four hours after he made the post. Nick committed suicide using a Hungry Man dinner that he plunged through his trachea

I'm going to have hot sex with this thread.

I'm NAveryW's roommate, NAveryX. He had instructed me to clear his browser cache in the event of his death and when I opened his laptop I discovered he was still logged in to this site with this thread open. Needless to say, I was very surprised at what I saw. He went to a flea market? He told me he had a dentist appointment!

But what I really don't understand is GangStarRunner's post. His description of events was entirely accurate... but they hadn't happened yet. GangStarRunner responded only two hours after NAveryW's post, whereas I found him four hours after the post was made, like GangStar himself said.

Something very strange is going on here and I aim to get to the bottom of it.  Do I dare attempt to play this game, still stuck in the NES, for myself? Should I put NAveryW's body in the freezer first to make sure he doesn't rot before the embalming? There's not much room in the freezer because it's stuffed full of Hungry Man chicken dinners but I guess he won't be needing them now.

P.S. NAveryW's uncle Shmooaag wasn't really dead. NAveryW's parents just told him Shmooaag was dead so they wouldn't have to explain the restraining order. His name isn't really Shmooaag but we call him that because that's the sound he makes when he's confused which is all the time.

-NAveryX

I don't know how to respond.

This thread gave me an erection.

oh sweet jesus

8-bit dinner sounds like the stuff of legends

I wonder how does a digitized Squadallah!! sound like.

Zomg I totally have to play this not-fake game now. Make a emulator out of it nao!

I spooped my pants

and to think we've called him Gwonam instead of Usama for all these years

hyper realistic blood

At least Nick died knowing exactly what's for dinner.

Ocarina of Time can choke on it, THIS is the greatest Zelda game ever made!

Whoa, NaveryX, go send this game to TCRF so that we can crack the game's hidden content open! Perhaps we can find something similar to that interesting rant hidden inside The New Tetris or that Chinese game from Namco in which I forget the name of...

Keep going with this!

This is surely the work of Satan, power of christ repels you!

Ordelse, you will DIE

jesus christ

After reading this thread, I took it upon myself to find more documentation on this game. I have come across only one other photo of the game in action (the ones Nick took have flooded the image search now), but this photo appears to be taken at the game's climax. Perhaps it was at this point in the game that Nick died?

DISCLAIMER: If you choose to view this picture, I'm not responsible for anything that might happen to you.

Spoiler

NAveryX here. Forgive me for taking so long for giving you an update. I was busy taking care of that stuff you have to do after a person dies, so I wasn't able to get much gaming time in except on the 3DS I brought to the funeral.

As I understand it, NAveryW's legacy was the "poops" he made as WalrusMan. They will live forever and I'm sure he died happy knowing that to be the case. He's poopin' on sunshine now. I think he would have been very happy with his final resting place.

He was buried in the backyard next to his beloved pet mouse Sparkle Squeak.

By now I've watched the opening cutscene a couple of times and nothing bad has happened. Here's another screencap.

I'm certain NAveryW never made it far enough into the game to snap the image randomc posted. Perhaps it was taken by the game's previous owner? Whoever took it, it gives me hope that the game is playable past the "Hold on my emecgra" screen. Perhaps "Hold on" means it's a loading screen and I should just be patient.

-NAveryX

What is this thread? 

ah, he'll come around. Triforce of Wisdom said so too.

But what will we do if we don't hear from him in a month?

On January 25, 2014 2:21 PM, Dieathan said:

But what will we do if we don't hear from him in a month?

On January 25, 2014 9:33 AM, NAveryW said:

By now I've watched the opening cutscene a couple of times and nothing bad has happened.

I think I have a theory about that.

You see, a long time ago, WalrusMan was one of the many famous headliners of YouTube Poop. His popularity grew through him, so much that YouTube Poop became part of him. His life ran on the excitement stirred by his fans and his love for YTP's facets, like CDi.

But soon, something bad happened to WM. YouTube Poop began to direct his very moves and words. At first, it was localized; he'd sometimes accidentally sneak a "squadalah" or "boi" in his internet comments. It grew, however, to a stature of real life. Every person he encountered looked and acted like The King. He grew an overwhelming urge to grab his stuff, or randomly kiss someone on the street, for luck. These incidents cultivated and became more and more severe, finally to the point where he broke in a climactic showdown. It was all over the news; "MAN AT PUBLIC RESTAURANT RANDOMLY ASSAULTS COOKS WITH OWN FECAL MATTER, SAYS HE "WONDERS WHAT'S FOR DINNER"".

After this episode, he went to see a therapist. He suggested that WalrusMan should stop associating himself with Poop, and start on a new leaf. For a while, it worked. His mind cleared up. He felt like a new man, fresh ideas brewing, his social status restoring back to trueness, not something he did on the internet.

Alas, it didn't last long. His freedom broke when a group of online e-terrorists, YouChoo™, convinced him of his former ways, plunging him back into his YouTube Poop addiction.

And thus, these events occurred.

When WalrusMan saw what laid on screen, he had horrific flashbacks to his YTP companions. Only, this time, due to the horribly translated CDi cutscenes and poor interpolation, he began to see them in a new, shady darkness. The King, once a silly friend whose anticipation for dinner made WalrusMan giggle, was actually a villain who used his authoritative powers to abuse others into feeding his (potentially metaphorical) hunger. Link, a carefree, laid back fellow who thinks it's boring around here, now identified with the masses of people who find boredom in even the most fantastic of settings. Morshu, a fat ol' guy who sold shit, was now made out to be a greedy con, possessing abhorrent amounts of dominant financial power and ceasing access to crucial equipment to those who need it most.

WalrusMan couldn't stand it. His heart was broken. Dreams, crushed. His own reason to live was foiled. What happened next was fate.

NAveryX, I wish you the best of luck. We need to find out who committed these atrocities and securing justice for the thousands of fans who once admired him.

I know just how he feels. Every time I try to play Wand of Gamelon, this happens.

Found this in an old catalog promoting NES games. Apparently, it looks like the game was going to be released at one point, but under the Faces of Evil title.

Who would pay 33.95 rupees for this game, though?

I dunno what's going on anymore. This site, I swear.

NAveryX here.

I left the game running overnight. No change. I think I saw something flicker on the screen a couple of times but I can't be sure.

But thanks to Mashu's lead, I found this at the local news archive:

Page 12 is mysteriously missing from the archive.

Sonikku's find is interesting, especially because the listing for LINK: THE FACES OF EVIL is just shoved in there out of alphabetical order. Perhaps it was hidden there on purpose. I decided to call the Nintendo Helpline to see if I could get a direct answer. Here's the result:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0T1CaDc8_U

Needless to say I'm terrified. Who knows how long it'll be befo

Oh god, after 10 years it look like I have to face the evil all over again.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was six years old and my grandfather took me to a flea market in the countryside of Pennsylvania. It was on the outskirts of this nice little town with houses pre dating the civil war. It was also very close to Amish country, in fact, I remember passing a horse and buggy on my way there. So we get to the flea market, and immediately several stands catch my eye. There was one guy selling bootleg Pokemon cards and another selling Star Wars action figures. While these were interesting to me, none of them stood out to me as much as the Amish stand. Normally I turned a blind eye towards the Amish because they were just boring, simple people living in the past. But I went to their stand because I saw they had an NES. I asked them how much for it and the man attending the stand (who looked to be in his 70's) whispered to me, "please...just take it. Technology has caused our people nothing but trouble. Take it...now, before it hurts our way if life again." So I get the NES from the Amish and buy a few cartridges from another vendor. About two hours later me and my grandfather leave the flea market and head to his house. Once there, I asked him if I could try to set up the NES, and he said sure. So I set it up in his living room while he hangs out in the kitchen. I get it all set up, open the cartridge dock, and put Super Mario Bros into it. But, alas, it would not go in, so I peek into the tray and see what could be jamming it up, and much to my surprise, its a game. I close the tray back up and turn on the NES. The main menu of the game had a picture of a statue's head and it said "The Legend of Zelda 11 1/2: Bad Headz. I couldn't stop laughing at the title screen, I mean really, "Bad Headz?" What the hell does that even mean? I then proceeded to hit start, and the game opened up with a hilariously bad looking cutscene. I actually took a picture of the cutscene with my Grandfather's old Polaroid just because I wanted to show how funny it was to my parents when I got home.

I remember getting to a part in the cutscenes where a character (who looked to be a Muslim) came riding from the heavens on a magic carpet. After that, I don't recall anything. Next thing I knew I was tied up in the kitchen, while my grandfather stood other me with a knife. He began asking me questions, such as "what is my name, what town do we live in" very basic stuff. I answer the questions and he unites me. I ask him why I'm tied me up, and he says, "while I was cooking a meal of chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes, you came at me. You pushed me to the floor and began biting me. Luckily I was able to overpower you and tie you up. You then began lashing out saying stuff like 'you will die' and 'squadallah.' I didn't know what to make of it, but eventually you tired yourself out and passed out. I don't know what could've cased you to act like this!?" I knew what was the source of my agony, it was that damned meal of chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes. How is anyone expected to eat that slop? I mean really, couldn't he make and lobster? Unbelievable! When I went upstairs, I got in front of my NES, only to realize the game was gone! I looked around, and as I was doing so, I could've sworn that out of the of corner of my eye I saw the elderly Amish man in my window, with the game in hand. But who knows, maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. All I know is that I couldn't find the game ever again...

After giving the situation more thought, I realized that the screen caps from the game seem suspiciously similar to the format of the Zelda segment from the Super Mario Bros Super Show episode Destrudo Koopa,Spooky Reviewky: The Super Mario Bros. Super Show

Something else that I find eerily similar is the chicken dinner NAvery ate before attempting the game, and by totally-not-an-unrealistic-coincidence,

Quote

Luigi asks doesn't his chicken taste a little weird

Did some more research on this game. A Russian gaming website once had an article about a working version of the game that was sent to the webmaster in July 2009. There were three photos of the game, one of which was this gameplay pic;

The webmaster was working on a dumped ROM of the game when he mysteriously disappeared later in the same month, similar to NAvery.

This can't be a coincidence.

Ah, I've been to that website, and it included some strange unused and hidden content ripped from the alleged Bad Heads ROM, including what might be a strange typo'ed message...

"THE WALRUS MAN MUST DIE AND GOTTA HEL" and it cuts off from there. What could that message been trying to say beyond "GOTTA HEL"? "GOTTA HELp us"? "GOTTA HELium balloons"? "GOTTA HELicopter to Koridai"? Who knows?

And I bet those strange letters and numbers and letters are trying to tell me something too, but I've been told that it's just hexadecimal crap that doesn't mean anything, soo...

If I had called the SCP (Smelly Creepy Paranormal) Foundation this whole crisis could have been averted. Right now they're busy though; Skinnyman escaped their custody and released his brothers Spindlyman and Scrawnyman too. The creators of the Unity game engine are experiencing an increase of people using their product now.

BEWARE, I LIVE

Much like Toonami, I've returned from the dead, and this time I'm not as nice. I'd like to thank all the thousands of you who tweeted #BringBackWarlusMan and convinced Seth MacFarlane to bring me back.

I don't want to spoil what the afterlife is like for those of you who have yet to experience it, but I will say that it does indeed involve Dino Time and I'm pretty proud of myself for calling that one right.

Unfortunately, my brain has experienced a bit of deterioration and I now have some big gaps in my memory. I remember nothing of the events leading to my death. I filled in some of the blanks thanks to this thread. Apparently the first thing my roommate does when I die is throw out all my food.

Speaking of my roommate, good ol' NAveryX, he was gone by the time I respawned, along with BAD HEADZ. Based on the video he uploaded to my account WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, I can only fear the worst has happened to him. The only clue he left me was this note I found when I opened my laptop:

This thread's existence bamboozles me and in turns makes me question my own existence. 

It happened, guys. Nick has finally gone off his rocker.

OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!

Did some more research on the Russian website that had the article on BAD HEADZ. The last post the webmaster made before he disappeared was about the opening area, called "Golo New". Link could either enter the house nearby or go right. The webmaster noted that the controls were delayed by a few milliseconds and were somewhat clunky. He tried to go right, but as soon as the screen began to scroll, the game heavily lagged and froze up, and that "emecgra" text appeared on the top-right corner. However, he was able to enter the house, which contained Morshu (or Mole Shoe, as the game called him).

When he tried to buy a bomb, the game froze, and then it went to this screen:

At that point, he quit playing, and said that he would continue tomorrow. Of course, he never did.

This screen is too weird. Not only is this anti-piracy screen in higher quality than the game's cutscenes, but it seems to be a younger Michael Rosen! I'll dig up more about him later.

Today I received an anonymous package in the mail. Mail doesn't usually deliver on Sunday, but with all the weird things happening recently I'm not going to question it. Inside the package was a VHS tape. I put it in my VCR that I still have hooked up to my TV so I can watch my Land Before sequels and... It was a hostage tape. It also features gameplay footage from BAD HEADZ, showing that gameplay is rather different from the CD-i version.

This tape explains everything. Why the game was never released. If the game is truly haunted, and by whom. Why Nintendo is so fidgety about this thing getting out. I've uploaded it to YouTube so you can see its contents for yourself. Be warned, it contains scenes of a graphic nature including several actual deaths. Not recommended for viewers under eight years of age.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcE6Ml2MZdA

But not everything is explained. One final mystery remains: Where did Nintendo take NAveryX? What of the fabled other game, ZELDA 33⅓: STICK A CAMEL ON? And who sent me this tape?

Interesting find. I don't know why Scott Oelkers was chasing Link in Morshu's shop, but this game is already full of questions more important than the president of Domino's of Japan. Anyways, I did some more research on Michael Rosen's earlier years, based on an extended version of his rap. When he was eleven, he was cloned like Dolly the Sheep. When he was twenty-five, this clone started wr------:l?:{l>?{l{&%{&#$

Морж парень слишком много знает. Он должен быть остановлен. Вот еще один картина игры после "Держись" части.

What the hell just happened? I felt like a Russian commentating on a picture of a game nobody knows about! Almost like that webmaster...

...I think I figured out what happened to him. I've got to hel go to sleep now, so I'll post my theory tomorrow.

NAveryW, you must listen to me very closely. On this forum I am Mister Alpha, but in my tribe I am Zulu Ubuntu, Voodoo Yudu of Hulu. I have ten doctorates in witchery and the occult, and I am revered amongst the twenty two clans of my tribe as the greatest medicine man. I consider myself an expert in what the white men call "haunted video games."

This is me IRL

In the language of my people, you have been cursed with the burden of a villainous Nwozniak-Niilqa, (quite literally, "A haunted Woz spawn that wishes to kill you.") The only way to fully banish a Woz Spawn is to outsmart it in the game of lies and trickery it produces, as is the custom. Unfortunately, few mortal men are clever enough to do so without succumbing to the wills of Woz's own. As such, I am concerned for the safety of you and the land you own - for clearly your chi (your personal God) - has greatly forsaken you. I imagine it is for something that occurred during or before the day you went to the flea market and bought the Nwozniak-Niilqa.

Under normal circumstances, I would ask that you look deep within your spirit to discern a reason why your chi would forsake you. Perhaps I would recommend consulting your local oracle and speaking with the spirits of your ancestors. However, the power of the Woz Spawn is great, and you have been exposed long. The curse of the flesh is upon you, and your memory is already fading. Unless there is anything you find intriguing in the shreds of your mind, there is only one thing I can do.

I have attached some protective wards and instructions for a ritual sacrifice to appease your chi. It was compiled from both a lifetime of personal experience with similar cases and from the collective research in this thread. Hopefully it will help you in this time of great distress. May Bondye have mercy on you.

P.S. - Chameleons are a bad omen. Try your best to avoid them.

Chameleons are a bad omen, eh? Well, Walrusman, best be avoiding these games then:

You should also watched Wander Over Yonder Opening 3 times to break a curse. Evil Spirits hate the Songs of Yonder, because it contains joy and happiness. Also, you must avoid Drew Pickles at all costs, or else he will rape you.

Alright, guys, here's the theory I was talking about yesterday.

Somebody kidnapped NAvery's brother and the Russian webmaster, and that somebody most likely killed the Russian. His spirit still lingered, and it possessed me when I was talking about Michael Rosen's brother. Why? Does it trigger him to possess the person who mentioned him? Oh, whatever. You know what the scariest part is, though?

According to the Russian text, the spirit seems to be after NAvery! Let's hope it doesn't possess me agai-adigdiiiiiiiiiii sezaAAAAAAA

Откажитесь от поиска другой игре. Вы просто не получится, Морж парень. Он будет в конечном итоге в яме, где он будет гореть с Ganon.

Okay, guys, let's try to not mention Rosen's b- HIM in this thread anymore, unless you get some raging hard on from being possessed by Russian ghosts.

As a bit of information and also advisory warning:

Copies of the game, evidently from an actual production printing run, have been spotted in collections and auctions. I wonder if there's any differences between these Mass Production cartridges and NAvery's Test Type cart, as well as other carts that have been documented. Presumably, they'd be less prone to crashing, given the Nintendo Seal of Quality on this run.

Hello Mr. Sea Mammal Man. I came from the future to give you a warning. Please, do NOT go any further with your investigation of this matter. If you continue, you'll unleash an age of terror where technology turns on the human race. 2/3 of the world population is wiped out from the robot army's attack, humans are hunted by the robots as wild game, and we humans have to use ice cream for currency. I urge you to not unleash the tyranny that will destroy the future of the humans. There. That's my message. Too bad that I had to kill my past self to deliver it. Wait a minute-- OH SH

This Bad Headz game cartridge sure is one dangerous Shen Gong Wu